This is so beautiful, I’m crying. Nate, you bring language and understanding to such deeply complex and confusing issues for those of us suffering from complex PTSD. I’m so grateful for your words and hope you know what a profound impact you have on us.
I found it far easier to extend compassion to other people than to myself. I could understand someone else's suffering in an instant, yet my own inner voice was relentlessly critical.
One of the biggest shifts in my recovery came when I stopped asking, "What's wrong with me?" and started asking, "What happened to me?"
I spent 23 years living with PTSD. During that time, I accumulated diagnoses, medications, therapies, and countless attempts to "fix" myself.
Looking back, I don't think healing was as linear as I expected. There wasn't one moment where I suddenly felt "finished." It was more like slowly removing the things that kept me stuck until my nervous system finally began to believe I was safe.
I loved your reminder that the person we need to build a relationship with is often our past self. For a long time, I wanted to outrun the version of me who was suffering. It turned out he needed compassion far more than criticism.
To Next Steps Waiting, I want to acknowledge the rage that comes with perimenopause and menopause. It's is so very very real. It's as if you suddenly receive wisdom and memories of your ancestors. Some days it feels like a gift. As if you can take on the patriarchy and other systems the oppress people. Other days it feels like too much to bear.
This on top of all the past abuse, not being listened to, bad diagnosis and every single other thing you've been through is A LOT. Probably too much... but please know, you are not alone. There are millions of us menopausal people who understand. Sending you lots of love ♥️♥️♥️
Thank you so much for taking the time to show respect to the person who submitted, but also educating those about the shared experience... I'm glad you're here! 🫶🏻
As someone who has been through seemingly very similar life circumstances (although 20 years their* [*not sure of pronouns, sorry if I got this wrong] senior 😉)eg: late discovery I'm AuDHD with complex-ptsd (from childhood abuse & neglect)+ ptsd; mostly single parent to 3 children (who are now adults with 1 recently diagnosed AuDHD & 1 ADHD) to dear "Next Steps Waiting" and on a journey to recovering and healing my authentic 'self', their letter resonates very deeply with me ♥️
I'm not sure if they are on Substack but I can highly recommend Bridgette Hamstead, Neurojustice for profoundly in-depth knowledge, understanding & advice for late diagnosed neurodivergent (including & perhaps especially, AuDHD) people. Recovering from complex-ptsd when you are AuDHD (especially in burnout) requires some quite specific first steps to allow your body & it's nervous system to recover enough safety first before attempting the mind healing work.
We've been through so much in our lives since very early childhood; family or origin, environments and circumstances that no child should ever have to endure and, yet, amazingly we adapted to survive (+ give our children hope of a better life & future for themselves) Give yourself huge credit for that. Its no mean feat.
It's time for you now. That precious, beautiful (likely highly sensitive, intelligent, clever, funny, quirky, always adorable) little child you were born as, is still inside, waiting for you ♥️
This was just so nice to read, Judy!! Also, did you post a link earlier? Substack hid your reply and it would not give me an option to make it be seen...I think because there was a link attached? Either way, this message is going to be helpful to others...I'm glad you're here...🫶🏻
And you. I found you through your podcast sharing your story of harm in this space. Your gentleness drew me in, there are a lot of shouty people talking about religious trauma and deconstruction and it was lovely to find a softer soul.
The funnel framework is beautiful and I think it will help a lot of people visualize something that’s very hard to language. What I want to add, gently, from twenty years of sitting with people in this work, is that the question “when does the peace come” sometimes contains a premise worth examining. Peace as a destination we arrive at and then stay in.
Healing doesn’t end. Pain is part of life, and so therefore so is the practice of meeting it. What changes over time, in my experience, is not the absence of the hard thing but the capacity to be with it differently. The milk doesn’t disappear entirely. You just develop a better relationship with having carried it.
Despite reading this, I don’t have an answer to this question for myself.
After having a triumph two days ago where I went out and felt a bit recharged socially, my CNS decided to balk against the action—my body had extra fatigue and I never felt rested. And out of the blue my system started blaming myself for everything. Extra anxiety etc.
My CNS wants me to be small, alone, to adhere to its programming, and to be “safe”. The irony is that, due to the isolation this has created, it is decidedly unsafe to continue isolating myself. I keep thinking of Anthony Bourdain.
I’ll be 50 years old in a few days and it’s never been this hard symptomatically. I am being myself as authentically as I can, but my relationship with my parents has never been worse due largely to my mom’s behavior (I am financially dependent on them, so I can’t cut them out of my life) getting worse. My brother has noticed it too and we not only have large amounts of codependency but he is experiencing the same misplaced self-blame that I am.
The upcoming birthday. The Trump administration. The succession of birthdays and holidays that goes into the end of the year—these all got ruined as a child and somehow they are still with me and they feel worse now because 1) I am more authentic to my values than ever before and 2) this fact is messing with a mire combination of passive aggression from my mom and a president who embodies my abusers.
I don’t see an end to this, so I’m just managing each day. If I spend my birthday sobbing I do.
I’ve actively been working on helping myself: I’ve been reading peaceful books before bed and envisioning greenery and peace, and I’ve been doing weight training and lots of songwriting. But I discovered that I need to frequently ask myself “Do I need to grieve?” again—I thought I had been past that.
I am tired of managing. I want actual peace and stability and harmony within myself, and I am increasingly concerned that this won’t happen.
Thanks for coming here, Nicole, and sharing your hurts and still offering hope and encouragement to others. There is such a deep layer of empathy in that...I'm glad you're here. 🫶🏻
After 23 years of PTSD, I kept waiting for healing to arrive like a destination. Instead, it arrived almost imperceptibly. A day where I laughed a little more. A memory that no longer hijacked me. A morning where I wasn't immediately disappointed to wake up.
This is so beautiful, I’m crying. Nate, you bring language and understanding to such deeply complex and confusing issues for those of us suffering from complex PTSD. I’m so grateful for your words and hope you know what a profound impact you have on us.
I love this work, Lisa, and honored to share these experiences...🫶🏻
Tenderness.
Healing for me can be summed up in that one word.
I have been in a place to show tenderness towards others. In spades.
And yet when it has come to me my lips fall silent.
The revolutionary reboot is turning that tenderness onto me.
I have no doubt that this dear soul will benefit from tenderness turned inwards as well.
Love this....🫶🏻
I found it far easier to extend compassion to other people than to myself. I could understand someone else's suffering in an instant, yet my own inner voice was relentlessly critical.
One of the biggest shifts in my recovery came when I stopped asking, "What's wrong with me?" and started asking, "What happened to me?"
That is a beautiful re-frame.
I spent 23 years living with PTSD. During that time, I accumulated diagnoses, medications, therapies, and countless attempts to "fix" myself.
Looking back, I don't think healing was as linear as I expected. There wasn't one moment where I suddenly felt "finished." It was more like slowly removing the things that kept me stuck until my nervous system finally began to believe I was safe.
I loved your reminder that the person we need to build a relationship with is often our past self. For a long time, I wanted to outrun the version of me who was suffering. It turned out he needed compassion far more than criticism.
Thanks for sharing, Leon... Very insightful! 🫶🏻
My nervous system feels more unsafe as I get older. I wrote a top comment here about what’s going on if you’re interested.
To Next Steps Waiting, I want to acknowledge the rage that comes with perimenopause and menopause. It's is so very very real. It's as if you suddenly receive wisdom and memories of your ancestors. Some days it feels like a gift. As if you can take on the patriarchy and other systems the oppress people. Other days it feels like too much to bear.
This on top of all the past abuse, not being listened to, bad diagnosis and every single other thing you've been through is A LOT. Probably too much... but please know, you are not alone. There are millions of us menopausal people who understand. Sending you lots of love ♥️♥️♥️
Thank you so much for taking the time to show respect to the person who submitted, but also educating those about the shared experience... I'm glad you're here! 🫶🏻
This is a very good piece, thank you both. I relate to SO much of it. ❤️
It is always great to read your feedback, Diane! 🫶🏻
What a beautiful response, Nate 🙏🏼🥰
As someone who has been through seemingly very similar life circumstances (although 20 years their* [*not sure of pronouns, sorry if I got this wrong] senior 😉)eg: late discovery I'm AuDHD with complex-ptsd (from childhood abuse & neglect)+ ptsd; mostly single parent to 3 children (who are now adults with 1 recently diagnosed AuDHD & 1 ADHD) to dear "Next Steps Waiting" and on a journey to recovering and healing my authentic 'self', their letter resonates very deeply with me ♥️
I'm not sure if they are on Substack but I can highly recommend Bridgette Hamstead, Neurojustice for profoundly in-depth knowledge, understanding & advice for late diagnosed neurodivergent (including & perhaps especially, AuDHD) people. Recovering from complex-ptsd when you are AuDHD (especially in burnout) requires some quite specific first steps to allow your body & it's nervous system to recover enough safety first before attempting the mind healing work.
We've been through so much in our lives since very early childhood; family or origin, environments and circumstances that no child should ever have to endure and, yet, amazingly we adapted to survive (+ give our children hope of a better life & future for themselves) Give yourself huge credit for that. Its no mean feat.
It's time for you now. That precious, beautiful (likely highly sensitive, intelligent, clever, funny, quirky, always adorable) little child you were born as, is still inside, waiting for you ♥️
This was just so nice to read, Judy!! Also, did you post a link earlier? Substack hid your reply and it would not give me an option to make it be seen...I think because there was a link attached? Either way, this message is going to be helpful to others...I'm glad you're here...🫶🏻
Thanks so much, Nate 😊 Oops, yes, I did post a link earlier. I'm a bit of a newbie to Substack and didn't realise it wasn't allowed. I'm sorry.
It was a link to Bridgette Hamstead's Neurojustice substack I thought the letter writer might find helpful.
I think it is allowed, that is why I didn't understand why substack blocked it? You are doing great, Judy! Have a great week..🫶🏻
This was beautiful Nate thank you.
Just saw your work title...very interesting! So glad to know you are out there...🫶🏻
And you. I found you through your podcast sharing your story of harm in this space. Your gentleness drew me in, there are a lot of shouty people talking about religious trauma and deconstruction and it was lovely to find a softer soul.
The funnel framework is beautiful and I think it will help a lot of people visualize something that’s very hard to language. What I want to add, gently, from twenty years of sitting with people in this work, is that the question “when does the peace come” sometimes contains a premise worth examining. Peace as a destination we arrive at and then stay in.
Healing doesn’t end. Pain is part of life, and so therefore so is the practice of meeting it. What changes over time, in my experience, is not the absence of the hard thing but the capacity to be with it differently. The milk doesn’t disappear entirely. You just develop a better relationship with having carried it.
Despite reading this, I don’t have an answer to this question for myself.
After having a triumph two days ago where I went out and felt a bit recharged socially, my CNS decided to balk against the action—my body had extra fatigue and I never felt rested. And out of the blue my system started blaming myself for everything. Extra anxiety etc.
My CNS wants me to be small, alone, to adhere to its programming, and to be “safe”. The irony is that, due to the isolation this has created, it is decidedly unsafe to continue isolating myself. I keep thinking of Anthony Bourdain.
I’ll be 50 years old in a few days and it’s never been this hard symptomatically. I am being myself as authentically as I can, but my relationship with my parents has never been worse due largely to my mom’s behavior (I am financially dependent on them, so I can’t cut them out of my life) getting worse. My brother has noticed it too and we not only have large amounts of codependency but he is experiencing the same misplaced self-blame that I am.
The upcoming birthday. The Trump administration. The succession of birthdays and holidays that goes into the end of the year—these all got ruined as a child and somehow they are still with me and they feel worse now because 1) I am more authentic to my values than ever before and 2) this fact is messing with a mire combination of passive aggression from my mom and a president who embodies my abusers.
I don’t see an end to this, so I’m just managing each day. If I spend my birthday sobbing I do.
I’ve actively been working on helping myself: I’ve been reading peaceful books before bed and envisioning greenery and peace, and I’ve been doing weight training and lots of songwriting. But I discovered that I need to frequently ask myself “Do I need to grieve?” again—I thought I had been past that.
I am tired of managing. I want actual peace and stability and harmony within myself, and I am increasingly concerned that this won’t happen.
This is so wise, Jan... The break from processing and confronting...so, so wise... 🫶🏻
Thanks for coming here, Nicole, and sharing your hurts and still offering hope and encouragement to others. There is such a deep layer of empathy in that...I'm glad you're here. 🫶🏻
I really appreciated your therapist's answer.
After 23 years of PTSD, I kept waiting for healing to arrive like a destination. Instead, it arrived almost imperceptibly. A day where I laughed a little more. A memory that no longer hijacked me. A morning where I wasn't immediately disappointed to wake up.
Wishing you many more of those quiet moments.