I've Done Years Of Healing Work: When Does The Peace Come?

Dear Nate,

In my early adulthood, I was diagnosed with ptsd. After 20 years deep in therapy (that caused more shame, guilt, and suffering). Social media became my go-to for understanding and validation. I found you on Instagram. Your posts were soft, thoughtful, kind, and believable. You felt safe and trustworthy.

I have been misdiagnosed many times in therapy. The people who I had gone to for help and understanding missed my AuDHD until I was 43. At that point I had to become my own full-on “expert.” I was an ABA therapist (this role causes me guilt) and a behavior analyst with a double master’s for a decade. I knew for a long time I was like my students, but we didn’t have the right information for me to understand why. I now have a cPTSD diagnosis from past abuse and neglect.

After 40 sessions of ketamine therapy (while being deep in perimenopause), my anxiety was squelched enough that my rage, ASD and ADHD were very visible. My burnout finally made sense. Memories kept popping up with more clarity; I call them “autism flashbacks.” Like, “That’s why I only eat SunChips at the beach,” and the more difficult, “That’s why I changed my traits based on who I was around.”

My ketamine sessions allowed me to realize/start to accept that I’m pansexual and nonbinary. In summary, at 43 I learned I was autistic and queer.

I’m constantly trying to process memories and flashbacks of being abused by a narcissistic family. I went to them for support for decades, missing that they had caused me the trauma in the first place. I was blamed for my abuse. I was severely codependent and had Stockholm syndrome until a couple of years ago.

My dad is a disabled veteran. His cPTSD caused mine. My mother’s shame/narcissism silenced and changed me. I need to keep reminding myself that what they taught me about myself is false.

Daily, I’m coping with perimenopause, unmasking, adhd/asd burnout, advocating for my newly diagnosed AuDHD 13-year-old, finding “good” doctors, finding chosen family, being stuck in survival mode, the news, disautonomia, PMDD, etc.

I just restarted ketamine treatments and continued EMDR. I’ll keep pushing.

I desperately want to experience change. I believe in others more than myself. I’m mean/abusive to myself when I make simple mistakes or when my nervous system is doing what it does naturally. I blame myself for everything. I apologize when I’ve done nothing wrong. I silence myself to keep others comfortable. I won’t do anything unless I’m good at it right away. I overexplain to the point that I push people away. I’m sad. I’m angry. I’m lonely.

I have a beautiful life now but can’t seem to see the joy in it. I feel like I’ve lost decades of my life dissociating. I’m hurting so deeply. I can’t see the good things about myself even though I “know” I’m a badass who broke the cycle. It’s a daily challenge. I want to be at peace and an active participant in life—not stuck in burnout and survival mode.

The hardest part is not letting their tainted narrative alter my clear one.
The best part is seeing how strong my son is because of what I’ve modeled. He’s open, he’s real. He feels safe, loved, and validated at home. He is a kind and loving friend. He advocates for his peers! He fights against racism, homophobia, and ableism. It puts him in tight spots, but he doesn’t waver. I taught him that. I’m so proud.

Nate, I need your help. My questions are:

1). How do I recover from autism burnout and exit survival mode?

2). How do I discover and feel self-love and learn to trust myself?

It all feels like it is too much, and I am not sure where to start.

It seems at this point, those things should have taken root, but they still feel pretty far out of reach.

Thanks, Nate.

Next steps waiting.

Dear next steps waiting,

I am a visual person. While reading through your story, I imagined a person who was moving around in this world but also wanting a permanent cover where they could only be seen, touched, or heard if it was a guarantee that being seen, touched, or heard could not cause more harm.

I recently described a funnel that I believe exists in the world of abuse and trauma. At the top of the funnel are things like denial, abuse, corruption, and the people who use those to their benefit. As that world exists, at the bottom of the funnel is those who express knowledge about denial, abuse, and corruption and call out those who use it for their benefit. When those at the top of that funnel feel any sense of threat, they are able to gather together and pour gross amounts of their denial, abuse, and corruption to the bottom of that funnel. Who is at the bottom?

A person who has not had access to things that could get them to the top of the funnel.

A person who needs help and that help exposes the corruption at the top of the funnel.

A person who is marginalized.

A person who is hurt and needing to speak openly and honestly about needing help.

Anything that exists in a person that challenges corrupt power, abusive behavior, or denial is going to create this funnel where that person is piled upon and convinced that the only way for them to feel better is to normalize things that are hurting them.

Based on the story you have shared, I hear a lot of unprocessed grief and much justified anger. I think anyone in similar positions to yours (and mine) spends time doing things that we think will somehow make the top of the funnel respond better. We have these messages coming at us from every direction that not only refuse to name our reality but also blame us for not seeing how to respond better from being down there having all that yuck pointed at our core.

When you experience abuse from within your family, enablers want to pretend that there is a misunderstanding or that it was equal play and somehow the scapegoat just didn’t handle it well. This is yet another harsh pour from the top of the funnel.

Funnels are not bad. They exist to show volume and mass and get something that does not fit into a smaller space to fit. But, when the thing that is poured down is toxic, the aftermath is detrimental.

All newborn babies are at the bottom of a funnel. They are waiting to receive whatever is sent their way, and there is nothing they can do to empower themselves with anything other than survival mode.

At no point is a child ever at the top of a funnel and an abusive parent at the bottom. Again, if we are talking about volume and mass, we are measuring where the majority of something came from and why one person is carrying something harmful that was poured into them and why they can’t seem to get it out.

Bottom of the funnel.

In your story, there were many funnels, each representing a different experience. One of those was being a child in an abusive family. At the top of that funnel is each family member who abused and enabled the abuser.

Another funnel was being undiagnosed with things that multiplied the impacts from other funnels. At the top of this funnel are those who missed the signals of what to name in order to help you heal.

Also, at the top of different types of funnels are things that impact us in the best way. Nature, safe relationships, our favorite book, our beloved hobby. This is something we create that we are allowing to come directly at us, where time can pass safely without worrying about what will happen next. You are at the top of this funnel, and your mind, body, soul are at the bottom taking in what is being poured down.

Again, funnels aren’t bad. But when the things that are being poured down come at such rapid speed (multiple abuses, misdiagnosis, etc.), the mass and volume land in a person and become real weight.

So what to do when you are at the bottom?

When you distanced yourself from your abusive family, you exited the bottom of that funnel.

When you got the proper diagnosis that names how your mind and body operate, you exited the bottom of a funnel.

But, here is the reality. You spent so long being poured into and not only not understanding that the funnel exists but also that the ability to unload that energy came faster than you were able to send elsewhere.

Let’s say each toxic pour (abuse, trauma, etc) to the bottom of the funnel represents a gallon of spoiled milk. In order to get that milk out, you have to go to this specific place (it can be a professional, or a hobby, or something you have found that really helps remove spoiled milk), and it takes one visit to unload ¼ gallon of spoiled milk.

Now, let’s imagine how many gallons of milk you had poured into you at the bottom of that funnel before ever having a space or resource to get the very first full gallon back out.

The expectation to somehow navigate life well after years of trauma is like saying to this person, “Yeah, you had 16 gallons of spoiled milk poured into you for the first 40 years, but what about the three WHOLE gallons of delicious milk that you have poured in lately?”

Healing from complex trauma is in itself, complex.

There is a lot of good news too:

When you start naming the funnels, you are able to step away much quicker when someone attempts to pour something on you that you see for what it is.

When you see the people at the top of the funnel, and what they choose to do with their energy and power, you lose interest in learning more about them and create distance.

When you find ways to unload ¼ cup of spoiled milk, you start to see over time that a lot of the spoiled milk starts to exit on its own because you have opened yourself up to something new and you don’t need to direct it to leave anymore, it just no longer needs to take up space within you.

When you create new funnels where you are at the top, you feel empowered in ways you didn’t before, and using that power to help others stabilizes something in you that has always felt a little uncertain.

You build more funnels that are strictly for the most sacred parts of you. At the top of all the things that help you feel alive, safe, seen, and heard.

And then there is this one funnel, where no other person can or should ever be at the top other than you. It is you today, in the present moment, looking down at your past self. The one who is afraid to look up to you, because of how much pain they have endured by needing or wanting others. The first time you look to the bottom of that funnel, with the best of intentions, you realize this is going to take some time. That while you do have the power to pour love, care, and gentleness in them, they are not ready. They need time to trust that when you come back for them, there is no chance you will ever leave. They need to know if they open themselves up and tell you what they remember that you will never hint that it was their fault. They need someone who can understand that they may not want to be held or touched after they explain what they have carried, because they have had to carry it alone.

This funnel is where no therapist, no friend, no incredibly supportive partner can or should go. This is a connection with self that does not need feedback or input from others, because the connection to the past is no longer influenced by anything other than your present self. It is naming things that others pretended was invisible. It is owning mistakes. It is being honest without fear that there will be judgment, because you both already know. It is visceral grief, and anger, and restored pleasure and peace. It is private. It is necessary.

Next steps waiting,

Recovering from autism burnout and exiting survival mode will come when you continue to exit funnels that are pouring into you what only is meant to be filled with your peace and continued pleasure. This comes by creating new funnels that remind you of your capacity, your history, and what is realistic for your whole self to be known.

I believe processing grief and anger are in store for you. I think some people view anger and revenge as the same thing. As if recreating a funnel where you have power to return what they did will somehow restore something in you, but I think it is safer to exit the funnel, and walk away. Create funnels that offer life. Just as I shared that there is one funnel that no person (ever under any circumstances) should have access to, the same is to be said about healing moments that are meant solely for you.

Anger for what was done and left unnamed.

Grief for what that cost you.

I hear that you have built a great life now. I believe you. I just think there are parts of you that aren’t so much in the place to celebrate that with you (yet).

Grief and anger: When I think of how you had to mask much of your life while carrying all these unnamed narratives in your mind and body, I think of how desperate those parts would be to say, “Can I be honest with you?”

I can’t tell you how to process your grief and anger. Your body can. It may be a daily thing for awhile where you are looking down at the bottom of that funnel because you see a version of your past self saying, “I need you now” and you take the time to say, “I’m here.” Your being there for them could be a walk, writing, moving your body, taking a bath, sobbing, watching your favorite familiar film, and occasionally saying “Precious soul, I know you are there, but I just can’t today.” That can be part of the process too.

There is a lot of unjust things you have experienced by walking through this earth without the proper names to things that hurt you. This process of holding this with the intent of processing that energy can/will offer relief and lead to alignment.

Your second question:

How do I discover and feel self-love and learn to trust myself?

Learn to love and hold the part of you at the bottom of those funnels, and you will have no problem finding them (and you) lovable. They hold many of the answers you are looking for. Finding them is complex, learning about them, establishing a relationship with them is complex, but nowhere near as complex as not knowing why you feel like you are an unwanted guest in your own life.

You have created a powerful funnel for your son. The one you needed a long time ago. That is further proof that you have what it takes to be the guide to further healing.

I’m glad you’re here.

Nate

Reflections:

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There are many ideas about healing that often pretend you can cut off a part of you, call them names, and somehow build a life where their reality is no longer in your mind and body. That isn’t how healing works. If you related to this, please share your support for this person. What are your next steps? What did this help you name?

Follow-up:

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If you related to this story, you would enjoy my online group. We have several live meetings each month as well as other connecting points. You can get the details and fill out an application here.

I am doing a much deeper dive into this topic on my podcast n Wednesday of this week. Check out Episode 10 of “A Little Less Lonely” on all streaming platforms then, and feel free to get caught up on past episodes now.

Truly, truly. I’m glad you’re here.