That question stood out to me. It hurtled me back to my formative years and ruminating about it all.
If I had known that question then, not just to apply to a therapist but to be applied to my family & friends, my life would have made sense a lot sooner. And would have had a hell of a lot more peace.
If another person is rubbish at repairing after a rupture (an achingly human condition we all share. Inadvertently hurting those we love) then they will not be a safe parent, family member, friend, therapist or partner.
Paying attention to how another person repairs will give a window into what it would be like to be in relationship with them.
I have also asked what their beliefs are on unconventional lifestyles etc… see how they think about a different way of living is important to feel safe that I can be myself. I def ask those two questions before! Thank you for putting this together!
I nodded my head as I read along here. I have heard and experienced enough bad stuff around therapists And grateful to say that I have experienced the truly wonderful.
Really fantastic list here.
My therapist has some tattoos in another language on their arms. So I told him I wanted to hear the stories- cause it matters.
I have been doing weekly EMDR for a year with a truly kind and trauma honoring therapist. I found someone who gives me the smallest sliding scale Ive ever heard of besides free.
I hear from others about some negatively impacting experiences they’ve had in therapy and emdr, then I ask them if it’s okay to ask questions about the therapist they had. Every time I find the reason was that they pushed them ans or didn’t know what they were doing- hadn’t done their own work. I’m just reiterating Nate’s excellent post.
EMDR had a profoundly positive impact on me, and I have seen that too, Bonnie, where a practitioner is not dialed in enough to understand the pace. Thanks for all you have shared. It is lovely to read about you having this type of therapist! 🫶🏻
I had a therapist months ago that I was recommended.. he specializes in addiction ( my son is an addict). It started out ok, he seemed compassionate and gave me strategies to disengage from my son. However, they were online visits only, and I had the distinct feeling he was not fully engaged, like he was looking at his phone or something had his attention during our sessions. He also, gave me specific instructions to “find a hobby” like that was going to change my circumstances 🙄. If I expressed my most intimate emotions and worries he would basically tell me I was WRONG and that he was the professional and I must take his advice. Long story short, I felt unseen and very anxious after our sessions. I had to end them but never felt comfortable with telling him why. Now I’m gun shy, I’m sick of my story of trauma and basically don’t trust therapy.
The catch with these questions is when you're able to ask them. Every time I've actually needed a therapist, I've been in no state to interview one. I took whoever could see me inside a month and hoped.
It bothers me that licensed therapists are taught not to be honest about their thoughts and feelings, to not share what they can learn from a client, to feel professional jeopardy and shame if they aren't always playing the "correct" role. I think a lot of therapy actually enables therapists to be harassed and burnt out at work, and enables clients to worsen and internalize even more shame and sense of being the "bad wrong one". In my experience communication in therapy is about them trying to defensively maintain control rather than masterfully transforming their client by setting an example of how to safely navigate balanced and fair interpersonal dynamics
Really useful distinction on self conscious of complex trauma and self aware....one is constricting and defensive, the later is expansive and grounding.
“How do you handle rupture & repair”?
That question stood out to me. It hurtled me back to my formative years and ruminating about it all.
If I had known that question then, not just to apply to a therapist but to be applied to my family & friends, my life would have made sense a lot sooner. And would have had a hell of a lot more peace.
If another person is rubbish at repairing after a rupture (an achingly human condition we all share. Inadvertently hurting those we love) then they will not be a safe parent, family member, friend, therapist or partner.
Paying attention to how another person repairs will give a window into what it would be like to be in relationship with them.
Repair matters.
Well said! Thanks for sharing...🫶🏻
I have also asked what their beliefs are on unconventional lifestyles etc… see how they think about a different way of living is important to feel safe that I can be myself. I def ask those two questions before! Thank you for putting this together!
Very wise, Brook! Thanks for adding this context! 🫶🏻
I nodded my head as I read along here. I have heard and experienced enough bad stuff around therapists And grateful to say that I have experienced the truly wonderful.
Really fantastic list here.
My therapist has some tattoos in another language on their arms. So I told him I wanted to hear the stories- cause it matters.
I have been doing weekly EMDR for a year with a truly kind and trauma honoring therapist. I found someone who gives me the smallest sliding scale Ive ever heard of besides free.
I hear from others about some negatively impacting experiences they’ve had in therapy and emdr, then I ask them if it’s okay to ask questions about the therapist they had. Every time I find the reason was that they pushed them ans or didn’t know what they were doing- hadn’t done their own work. I’m just reiterating Nate’s excellent post.
Kind Helpers really do exist.
EMDR had a profoundly positive impact on me, and I have seen that too, Bonnie, where a practitioner is not dialed in enough to understand the pace. Thanks for all you have shared. It is lovely to read about you having this type of therapist! 🫶🏻
Quantity will inevitably transform into quality (a law of physics/biology). Thank you, Nate 🙏🏼
🫶🏻
I had a therapist months ago that I was recommended.. he specializes in addiction ( my son is an addict). It started out ok, he seemed compassionate and gave me strategies to disengage from my son. However, they were online visits only, and I had the distinct feeling he was not fully engaged, like he was looking at his phone or something had his attention during our sessions. He also, gave me specific instructions to “find a hobby” like that was going to change my circumstances 🙄. If I expressed my most intimate emotions and worries he would basically tell me I was WRONG and that he was the professional and I must take his advice. Long story short, I felt unseen and very anxious after our sessions. I had to end them but never felt comfortable with telling him why. Now I’m gun shy, I’m sick of my story of trauma and basically don’t trust therapy.
The catch with these questions is when you're able to ask them. Every time I've actually needed a therapist, I've been in no state to interview one. I took whoever could see me inside a month and hoped.
It bothers me that licensed therapists are taught not to be honest about their thoughts and feelings, to not share what they can learn from a client, to feel professional jeopardy and shame if they aren't always playing the "correct" role. I think a lot of therapy actually enables therapists to be harassed and burnt out at work, and enables clients to worsen and internalize even more shame and sense of being the "bad wrong one". In my experience communication in therapy is about them trying to defensively maintain control rather than masterfully transforming their client by setting an example of how to safely navigate balanced and fair interpersonal dynamics
Really useful distinction on self conscious of complex trauma and self aware....one is constricting and defensive, the later is expansive and grounding.