Important Questions to Ask a Potential Therapist

And reflections for potential new friends

I’ve noticed a lot of stories in my comments around traumatic therapy lately. I am going to expand this beyond potential therapists and share considerations for any type of new connection below based on everything I wish I knew thirty years ago.

To be clear, I am not sharing this from a place of expertise from things I did well, but a place of deep pain, not knowing, and learned knowledge that helped me understand the vulnerability in asking for and needing professional help.

Specifically for therapists:

1). What made you want to become a therapist?

There isn’t a right answer to look for. This is more for you to get a sense of whether or not this is someone that feels like you would want to connect with in a deep way. If their answer does not resonate with you, it is best to consider what that would feel like to share personal details about in the areas you are needing help and guidance.

If the fit does not align, it does not mean they are a bad therapist or that you have unrealistic needs. It means you are being diligent. A good therapist will have respect for that.

2). What does trauma-informed mean to you?

There is a right answer here. The term trauma-informed has different meanings, and according to google, everyone has a different interpretation. I am sharing mine from a survivor’s perspective.

• Trauma-informed means there is a consideration of the impacts to the mind and body in the therapy session when sharing traumatic memories. There is a grounded approach to help understand, revisit, reprocess said trauma. These modalities can be EMDR, IFS, Somatic Experiencing, and several others. (In my opinion, these modalities should never be done until there is a solid foundation built where the client feels empowered and enlightened to move forward).

• There is a disconnect with a therapist calling themselves “trauma-informed” and only offering talk therapy. Talk therapy is ideal for laying a foundation for helping a client reprocess said memories later, but continually talking about traumatic memories without reprocessing (having the energy moved out/intensity lessened) can be (and often is) retraumatizing.

• I believe someone who has done other work can experience healing from talk therapy. But, I think the risk is far greater (especially if there is present day activation) of the person experiencing further stress by talking about it over and over without a process to eliminate its pull.

3). How do you handle rupture and repair?

This is a bold question to ask a therapist on the front end, but it helps give you a unique view on the front end that you made need later. You may be coming from a place where you don’t know how you handle it, much less someone else. If that is the case, this is a terrific learning opportunity. Here are a few signs to look for:

• Rupture and repair is normal in therapy. If it is happening on a regular basis, I would question if it is the right fit. The point of therapy is to be therapeutic (the process that helps relieve stress, anxiety, worry). That is hard to experience if there is a constant need for you or a therapist to continue to discuss your dynamic vs. what you are trying to heal.

• What each person needs during rupture and repair is going to be different. For me, I would need to know the therapist has a genuine desire to know how I experienced that. If that is not an option, and I am having to re-explain it often to attempt to help us recalibrate, it is centering the therapist’s needs over my own.

• Rupture and repair can be quite healing. I have had moments of this with every good therapist I have had, and each time brought a sense of clarity and understanding. It makes the therapist human, and the reminder that pulling two people together in a space, looking for resolve, can only happen if they are on the same page about how to repair an unexpected disconnect.

While the above questions and responses are for seeking therapy, I wanted to add this piece for those in that vulnerable space of seeking new people in general.

The most important traits I look for are:

1). Self-awareness: When someone is self-aware, they’re able to receive feedback when something they are doing creates instability in you, and they are able to offer feedback when you are doing things that create chaos for them. When a person has done little to no self-reflection, they tend to believe everything is on their terms and there is little to no room for logical conversation about change. They don’t consider how other people are impacted by their actions, and they lack the ability to take ownership in order to make changes that bring them closer to others.

My experience (for the most part), has been people who’ve carried complex trauma tend to be self-conscious rather than self-aware. When you have a history of complex trauma, it often comes with feeling like you are a walking apology, and need to mold yourself to make other people never feel discomfort. Becoming self-aware, means you are taking up the appropriate space, and allowing yourself to feel the discomfort of being seen.

I know, I know. But, please know there is risk in that self-consciousness. Becoming self-aware also relieves you from being distracted from glittery fakes, and grounds you to what you know continues to be relevant to your health (mind, body, soul).

2). Transparency: There are no games that need to be played in order for two people to have a genuine and safe connection. The amount of information that teaches people how to manipulate in order to get what they want (or think they want, but often don’t know because they are not self-aware), is concerning.

Transparency is built and takes time. And, by taking the time, it helps build a secure foundation underneath you, where you are not afraid to ask for clarity.

Someone telling you graphic and personal details the day you meet, is not the transparency you want to receive or give. You want the transparency that ebbs and flows in a natural way that allows one piece of the foundation to be built at a time.

Please trust me when I tell you that taking the long route saves you a lot of uncertainty and heartache. The few bricks you lay by taking your time will be much more established than the multitude forced in too soon. They will crack soon enough from not being laid properly and given room to settle.

3). Kindness/compassion: Another thing with survivors is how often their kindness and compassion is used against them. I believe there are people who walk the earth that have no desire to do good, and no conversation, accountability, or level of compassion will get them to change their mind. Who did they seek out? The most compassionate. Why? Because they see the beauty in compassion and kindness, and rather reflect on why they are not received that way, they look to take it away from others.

I am not saying we are survivors because we are kind and compassionate. I am saying there is beauty in your kindness and compassion, and it is only meant to be nurtured by those who share that reflection.

My hope for humanity is we build conversations that help those who are isolated have something to hold on to. For those who feel lost, to have a connecting point where they read words that reach them at their most tender part, and that we scare off those who choose to manipulate others to take what isn’t offered.

This process takes time. If you could trust that you are far more valuable than what you realize, it will help guide your next steps in pursuit of therapy, dating, friends, community. Approaching each from a place of self-respect and compassion, knowing you don’t need to have all the answers to accept you are meant to be loved.

May you witness your reflection in something beautiful this week.

I’m glad you’re here.

Nate

I have opened a few spots for private (1:1) life mapping calls in September. You can grab a spot for one here.

My online group meets weekly. This week we are doing a deep dive on Healing From The Scapegoat Role. You can register for the group here.

Truly, truly. I’m glad you’re here.

Nate