Thank you for such a clear, honest and helpful piece. CPTSD is my background. I was naïve around other people and could barely identify my own feelings. I can really relate to the feeling of doing something wrong. 🙂
Thank you for a very captivating read and real life examples. It really resonated when you highlighted how people around us are in pain, lost and have not had the support they needed. Compassion is so important.
I’m good at pattern recognition in behaviour and good at analyzing why there might be a repeating pattern, that I find unhealthy (feels unsafe to me) in our relationship. I have a deep need to understand the behaviour of those around me. A nervous system trying to stay safe maybe?
In my experience with friends, it often seems to be unresolved pain being projected through certain patterns. Part of my growth and healing for my nervous system has been to become more discerning about relationships and honouring what I can tolerate in a relationship. If a friend doesn’t seem to have any self awareness around an unhealthy pattern and it keeps recurring and it’s out of my zone of tolerance/safety, I have learned it’s best to let the friendship go with love.
I feel very blessed to now have close friends I feel safe with because we share a trait of concious self awareness. We can talk openly with each other, without judgement, if we notice each other stuck or struggling with something. I’ve noticed that one of the side effects of self awareness within my close female friends, is that we are often way too hard on ourselves. Compassion for self and others is so important.
Loved these stories, Nate! I relate to what you called naivety. I would not consider myself street smart because I tend to believe others have the same level of trustworthiness that I have. I have to consciously installed a trust meter in my brain in order to discern if I should trust people’s words. So often their actions tell the truth more than the words they’re using (or not using) and I’ve learned to trust that. It applies to your story about Jake showing you he likes you without telling you. I’ve experienced that level of flirting and not recognized it myself. It’s a tad bit embarrassing, really, once someone points it out.
That trust meter is vital. It is also taxing, right? Like needing to be aware because if you aren't, someone may have an ulterior motive that doesn't cross your mind? Thanks for sharing, Kelly!
“Threat: You are unable to align with what she is saying, so the situation feels confusing and means you’re doing something wrong.”
This really hit for me. I get SO destabilized when I think I know someone really well and they respond to something I say/do in a way I didn’t anticipate. I get flush, embarrassed, confused, my brain starts scrambling for how to “fix” and restore order and safety. I just want to get every interaction right every single time; is that too much to ask? 😂
I hope you find that by naming that, you are able to feel safer in your body when that happens.... Right? Like, I think if we are able to call on what is happening in real time (versus what our mind or body thinks is happening), we can start being more present?? Thanks for sharing, Eva! 🫶
That made me laugh 😆 Well, the first part, being caught in the rain made me realize I also have rigid thinking. With the cookies, I was surprised I didn’t see he was flirting with you. I usually see these patterns. It also reminded me of the cable guy who had come to my place to install something. We had a moment, we talked, shared some things in common, he was cute, I liked the way he dressed. He came back that day, asked if there was anything else he could fix so I asked if he could cut an old long wire that bugged me. Then he left. It only dawned on me much later that the cable guy never comes back and ask if you need anything else. 😂 I was so clueless haha And in my defence I thought, why didn’t he just tell me, ask me to go for coffee? Why your story made me laugh even more but also I did recognize myself in your story 💙
Thank you for sharing this, Nate. I definitely relate to being misunderstood, and I genuinely wish that wasn’t the case. Growing up, I’ve never felt like I belong anywhere. Some may think that being different is “cool” but it’s actually more lonely than anything. Missing social cues is definitely something that is still happening with me, especially since I moved to a different continent (although it’s been a few years, I’m still learning about the social/cultural/political landscape), and English isn’t my first language (learning American English and the imperial system on top of 3 decades of British English and the metric system). It’s overwhelming for my brain and I wish I didn’t have to take in so much just to feel “normal” 😮💨
Thanks for sharing this, Casey! I keep thinking about what we are taught normal is and how miserable we are when we try to exist there... May we all rebel! 🫶
Have you ever heard of someone having symptoms of a TBI (traumatic brain injury) from doing therapy work? That's been happening to me--I'm working with clinicians, but no one seems to be able to tell me whether the symptoms are just going to keep getting worse (since I have childhood CPTSD, and doing therapy work is like revealing an onion). I hope that makes sense.
It is likely I am not autistic, but this part got me. Because I become hyperfocused when there's danger or the suspicion of it, like if I hear a child crying in someone's car or I hear a car horn blaring. I basically become John Rambo from First Blood, only without the violence.
After spending so many years on the edge (and now over a year of Trump Unleashed), I am very well practiced at threat assessment, and I do find myself looking behind me frequently when I walk. When things *aren't* going wrong is when I get suspicious that things *might* or even *should be* going wrong.
The hypervigilance is real, Brian... Very, very real... Have you found things that give you breaks from it? Things where your mind feels fully relaxed? Thanks for your feedback! 🫶
Thankfully, I have. I decided to take 3+ weeks off from therapy and from things that might trigger me...which, to be honest, is basically anything, including therapy and especially any social interaction. I don't trust anyone locally, and it's hard to build trust when you have CPTSD, especially in the current chaos environment in the US.
The time off from picking at my brain allowed me to reset and properly build a before-sleep peace regimen. However, I do need to build friendships; I haven't had regular hugs of any kind in many years.
Also, like to add that due to my naivety and literal mindedness I spoke about in previous post, I have felt misunderstood and NOT smart. It has caused me lots of pain. When actually, my intelligence is pretty good, I used to be a computer programmer for a major financial institution. Anyways, thank you!
Really appreciated your message, Nate. I relate to so much of it! As a self identified autist with CPTSD, I have a child like naivety as an adult, and, for example, I often don't understand jokes as I am very literal and missing context often. Someone telling a joke always makes me uncomfortable! Lol! It's a bit excruciating and awkward for me and the joke teller, in the end. Anyways, REALLY like your take on being more curious, I am working on that one, I think it's very important. Thank you.
Hello from a fellow self proclaimed Cookie Monster 🍪 you had me cackling 😅 the cookie cake bit reminded me of how I got some bedazzled pink plastic glasses that say birthday girl! On the frame and I wear them randomly to sprinkle in a bit of whimsy. When birthdays are really hard i think it helps to find a small way to make an ordinary day feel special 🥲 whether it’s cookies or pink plastic glasses
When I read this Nate, I thought wow, such a grownup, after. I used to think that meant having it all together in a certain way, maybe. Now, I think it just means having space for yourself, space for others. Space for being compassionate and yes, curiosity is such a good word here. I’ve been trying to say ‘I don’t know’ lately when I start having a negative fixed feeling about how other people are acting or about their intentions but that hasn’t been doing much. Curiosity seems better. I can’t wave away what I’m feeling and thinking, but I can try to be more curious. I think it’s hard when we’re in a difficult time to have the space to allow for a different interpretation, but curiosity kind of widens that space a little.
As a single woman my married friend would always tell me when we were out together that men were checking me out. I retorted to her that men never check me out. Is that what you mean? 🤪
I'm a sensitive, accepting, loving woman who sees beauty in so many things and have been bent toward positivity my whole life in spite of growing up with neglect and abuse. I've wanted a loving, kind relationship my whole adult life. Alas, sadly, I'll string of bad relationships and I remain single today at 66.
I missed all of the subtle cues of flirting, from perhaps good men, just as you said can happen. And I thought it was because men didn't find be attractive. The men must have thought I was stuck up, but even I missed my own beauty! I just never saw it. I was punished for any seeming natural gifts or talents I had so I learned to hide them, and i possibly learned to devalue them. And now even if I did notice a man paying subtle attention to me or even hitting me over the head with a frying pan showing me interest, i would likely openly dismiss it because of my low self-esteem from all the years of believing no one found me attractive and no one wanted me.
:( I guess that may be one result of traumas (plural, in my case) you're talking about(?).
Your article has helped me to realize this, and has given me hope that maybe I won't have to live out the rest of my life alone, if I can just start tuning in more to the things I love to do and into the subtleties around me. Maybe someone will find me.
Because of having been diagnosed with PTSD and C-PTSD and a neurological syndrome which has put me me out on disability and further on the sidelines of life I'm having trouble finding a sustainable way to get back into living a purposeful life. And I'm having so many internal problems with my organs, requiring medical care and surgery. I'm feeling pretty psychologically fragile. I know I have auto-immune issues, and I keep getting these rare conditions, including cancers, after years of asking to see an immunologist I've FINALLY been referred to one. And with changing to Original Medicare this year, and leaving my old medical plan behind me along with all my specialty doctors, I've referred myself to a brain institute for a neuro-psych eval. I need to get to the bottom of whatever remains of my triggers after decades of on and off therapy, mostly for the emotional support you speakof not having.
Unfortunately, the neuro-psych eval does not involve a brain scan. If anyone knows of a legitimate place that does those can you please let me know? I've heard of Dr. Amen, but I'm not sure.
I'm just determined to try and build the next chapter of my life, whether alone or not. I want to thrive. I'm so tired of just getting by and thinking I have to go through the rest of my life alone and undesired.
I don't know if I was born this way, or if I learned this thinking, but if I was conditioned to become this way, I want to emphasize that it is very important when you're a parent to mirror your children and their beauty and curiosity and their laughter, and acknowledge their gifts and talents, and acknowledge their basic needs as valid and important.
I did that when I got bold enough to have my own child at 39. I gave him everything I didn't get which as it turns out was the right recipe for raising a healthy child. Go figure! All I had to do was the exact opposite of what was done to me, as well as what was NOT done for me, and keep on working on healing myself and admit my frailities to my son as we went. I was a single mother his whole life. Oddly, we have a good relationship that allows us to talk about the fallout of the abuse he experienced, dreadfully, because of the father I chose for him.
I augmented my son's education his whole life, because I was told he was on the autism spectrum. He, like you said, would miss nuances in conversations and have to learn and relearn his alphabet when little, seem to become more present when touching different textures and surfaces. He didn't prefer eye contact, and he used very little words to express himself as a toddler. I helped him to identify facial expressions and helped him to identify his feelings as they arose. School was grueling for him, so augmenting his life with his love of sports really helped to gain confidence where he lacked it in other areas. The challenge for me became to convince him that he was smart, but that he had an individual brain equipped with an individual style of learning. He's also grappled with adult relationships, and, as such, has found his way into CODA, and is working it. I'm so very proud of his ability to face what he needs to change in order to have the life he wants. And NOW because of your article I can share with him that he may not be all the artistic spectrum at all, but well, on his way to healing himself, from any traumas, he experienced while in his father's custody. I fought for 3 straight years in court to impose limitations on his father's reckless behavior. They were numerous because his father had also grown up with traumas, but took the stance of not needing to do anything about them. So we all come by our traumas, innocently, enough, but if I can say anything to anyone who has experienced traumas, there is help available, and please do take it, as your lives, and the lives of those you love are worth it. The cycle of abuse is a real thing, and it cannot be stopped until it is, at the very least, acknowledged.
Thank you very much for this article. You opened up a new window of hope for me, and, indirectly, from my son as well.
I'm wishing you all the best that life has to offer! Love yourselves as best as you can and be kind and patient as well, even if no one else seems to be doing so, and know that they actually might be doing so without your recognizing it. ❤️
Thank you for such a clear, honest and helpful piece. CPTSD is my background. I was naïve around other people and could barely identify my own feelings. I can really relate to the feeling of doing something wrong. 🙂
Thanks for sharing, Amy! I am glad it resonated…🫶
Thank you for a very captivating read and real life examples. It really resonated when you highlighted how people around us are in pain, lost and have not had the support they needed. Compassion is so important.
I’m good at pattern recognition in behaviour and good at analyzing why there might be a repeating pattern, that I find unhealthy (feels unsafe to me) in our relationship. I have a deep need to understand the behaviour of those around me. A nervous system trying to stay safe maybe?
In my experience with friends, it often seems to be unresolved pain being projected through certain patterns. Part of my growth and healing for my nervous system has been to become more discerning about relationships and honouring what I can tolerate in a relationship. If a friend doesn’t seem to have any self awareness around an unhealthy pattern and it keeps recurring and it’s out of my zone of tolerance/safety, I have learned it’s best to let the friendship go with love.
I feel very blessed to now have close friends I feel safe with because we share a trait of concious self awareness. We can talk openly with each other, without judgement, if we notice each other stuck or struggling with something. I’ve noticed that one of the side effects of self awareness within my close female friends, is that we are often way too hard on ourselves. Compassion for self and others is so important.
These are such powerful reflections you have shared... It takes work to get to the place of letting people go with love. Thanks for sharing! 🫶
Loved these stories, Nate! I relate to what you called naivety. I would not consider myself street smart because I tend to believe others have the same level of trustworthiness that I have. I have to consciously installed a trust meter in my brain in order to discern if I should trust people’s words. So often their actions tell the truth more than the words they’re using (or not using) and I’ve learned to trust that. It applies to your story about Jake showing you he likes you without telling you. I’ve experienced that level of flirting and not recognized it myself. It’s a tad bit embarrassing, really, once someone points it out.
That trust meter is vital. It is also taxing, right? Like needing to be aware because if you aren't, someone may have an ulterior motive that doesn't cross your mind? Thanks for sharing, Kelly!
“Threat: You are unable to align with what she is saying, so the situation feels confusing and means you’re doing something wrong.”
This really hit for me. I get SO destabilized when I think I know someone really well and they respond to something I say/do in a way I didn’t anticipate. I get flush, embarrassed, confused, my brain starts scrambling for how to “fix” and restore order and safety. I just want to get every interaction right every single time; is that too much to ask? 😂
I hope you find that by naming that, you are able to feel safer in your body when that happens.... Right? Like, I think if we are able to call on what is happening in real time (versus what our mind or body thinks is happening), we can start being more present?? Thanks for sharing, Eva! 🫶
I share your penchant for cookies, overthinking, and completely missing social cues. And damn, it's reassuring. 🥹🙏🌹
So glad you’re here, Sandy! 🍪🫶
That made me laugh 😆 Well, the first part, being caught in the rain made me realize I also have rigid thinking. With the cookies, I was surprised I didn’t see he was flirting with you. I usually see these patterns. It also reminded me of the cable guy who had come to my place to install something. We had a moment, we talked, shared some things in common, he was cute, I liked the way he dressed. He came back that day, asked if there was anything else he could fix so I asked if he could cut an old long wire that bugged me. Then he left. It only dawned on me much later that the cable guy never comes back and ask if you need anything else. 😂 I was so clueless haha And in my defence I thought, why didn’t he just tell me, ask me to go for coffee? Why your story made me laugh even more but also I did recognize myself in your story 💙
I relate to every word, Louise! I hope that cable guy is doing well...😉
Haha! We might never know.
Thank you for sharing this, Nate. I definitely relate to being misunderstood, and I genuinely wish that wasn’t the case. Growing up, I’ve never felt like I belong anywhere. Some may think that being different is “cool” but it’s actually more lonely than anything. Missing social cues is definitely something that is still happening with me, especially since I moved to a different continent (although it’s been a few years, I’m still learning about the social/cultural/political landscape), and English isn’t my first language (learning American English and the imperial system on top of 3 decades of British English and the metric system). It’s overwhelming for my brain and I wish I didn’t have to take in so much just to feel “normal” 😮💨
Thanks for sharing this, Casey! I keep thinking about what we are taught normal is and how miserable we are when we try to exist there... May we all rebel! 🫶
This is a really, really great post. You get it.
Have you ever heard of someone having symptoms of a TBI (traumatic brain injury) from doing therapy work? That's been happening to me--I'm working with clinicians, but no one seems to be able to tell me whether the symptoms are just going to keep getting worse (since I have childhood CPTSD, and doing therapy work is like revealing an onion). I hope that makes sense.
I have not heard of that, Drew, but I am so grateful you have people guiding you through that! I hope every question is answered, and soon, Drew! 🫶
"when there is no threat around me"
It is likely I am not autistic, but this part got me. Because I become hyperfocused when there's danger or the suspicion of it, like if I hear a child crying in someone's car or I hear a car horn blaring. I basically become John Rambo from First Blood, only without the violence.
After spending so many years on the edge (and now over a year of Trump Unleashed), I am very well practiced at threat assessment, and I do find myself looking behind me frequently when I walk. When things *aren't* going wrong is when I get suspicious that things *might* or even *should be* going wrong.
The hypervigilance is real, Brian... Very, very real... Have you found things that give you breaks from it? Things where your mind feels fully relaxed? Thanks for your feedback! 🫶
Thankfully, I have. I decided to take 3+ weeks off from therapy and from things that might trigger me...which, to be honest, is basically anything, including therapy and especially any social interaction. I don't trust anyone locally, and it's hard to build trust when you have CPTSD, especially in the current chaos environment in the US.
The time off from picking at my brain allowed me to reset and properly build a before-sleep peace regimen. However, I do need to build friendships; I haven't had regular hugs of any kind in many years.
Very wise, Brian... I hope the break and all the things you are rebuilding come full circle for you!
Also, like to add that due to my naivety and literal mindedness I spoke about in previous post, I have felt misunderstood and NOT smart. It has caused me lots of pain. When actually, my intelligence is pretty good, I used to be a computer programmer for a major financial institution. Anyways, thank you!
Very well said!!! 👏🏻
Thank you very much, Nate.
Really appreciated your message, Nate. I relate to so much of it! As a self identified autist with CPTSD, I have a child like naivety as an adult, and, for example, I often don't understand jokes as I am very literal and missing context often. Someone telling a joke always makes me uncomfortable! Lol! It's a bit excruciating and awkward for me and the joke teller, in the end. Anyways, REALLY like your take on being more curious, I am working on that one, I think it's very important. Thank you.
Thanks for your feedback. I hope you have a great week, Diane! 🫶
Thank you Nate, wishing the same for you too.
What beauty, humor & candor.
I devoured this Misunderstood posting. A bit like Cookie Monster demolishing cookies🍪
Hope you have a great week! 🫶
Thank you. Right back atcha!
Hello from a fellow self proclaimed Cookie Monster 🍪 you had me cackling 😅 the cookie cake bit reminded me of how I got some bedazzled pink plastic glasses that say birthday girl! On the frame and I wear them randomly to sprinkle in a bit of whimsy. When birthdays are really hard i think it helps to find a small way to make an ordinary day feel special 🥲 whether it’s cookies or pink plastic glasses
More bedazzled glasses!!!!!!! 👓✨
When I read this Nate, I thought wow, such a grownup, after. I used to think that meant having it all together in a certain way, maybe. Now, I think it just means having space for yourself, space for others. Space for being compassionate and yes, curiosity is such a good word here. I’ve been trying to say ‘I don’t know’ lately when I start having a negative fixed feeling about how other people are acting or about their intentions but that hasn’t been doing much. Curiosity seems better. I can’t wave away what I’m feeling and thinking, but I can try to be more curious. I think it’s hard when we’re in a difficult time to have the space to allow for a different interpretation, but curiosity kind of widens that space a little.
The depth in your observation...so refreshing! 🫶
You're a gem Nate. Thank you for sharing your writing.
Means a lot, Martine! 🫶
As a single woman my married friend would always tell me when we were out together that men were checking me out. I retorted to her that men never check me out. Is that what you mean? 🤪
I'm a sensitive, accepting, loving woman who sees beauty in so many things and have been bent toward positivity my whole life in spite of growing up with neglect and abuse. I've wanted a loving, kind relationship my whole adult life. Alas, sadly, I'll string of bad relationships and I remain single today at 66.
I missed all of the subtle cues of flirting, from perhaps good men, just as you said can happen. And I thought it was because men didn't find be attractive. The men must have thought I was stuck up, but even I missed my own beauty! I just never saw it. I was punished for any seeming natural gifts or talents I had so I learned to hide them, and i possibly learned to devalue them. And now even if I did notice a man paying subtle attention to me or even hitting me over the head with a frying pan showing me interest, i would likely openly dismiss it because of my low self-esteem from all the years of believing no one found me attractive and no one wanted me.
:( I guess that may be one result of traumas (plural, in my case) you're talking about(?).
Your article has helped me to realize this, and has given me hope that maybe I won't have to live out the rest of my life alone, if I can just start tuning in more to the things I love to do and into the subtleties around me. Maybe someone will find me.
Because of having been diagnosed with PTSD and C-PTSD and a neurological syndrome which has put me me out on disability and further on the sidelines of life I'm having trouble finding a sustainable way to get back into living a purposeful life. And I'm having so many internal problems with my organs, requiring medical care and surgery. I'm feeling pretty psychologically fragile. I know I have auto-immune issues, and I keep getting these rare conditions, including cancers, after years of asking to see an immunologist I've FINALLY been referred to one. And with changing to Original Medicare this year, and leaving my old medical plan behind me along with all my specialty doctors, I've referred myself to a brain institute for a neuro-psych eval. I need to get to the bottom of whatever remains of my triggers after decades of on and off therapy, mostly for the emotional support you speakof not having.
Unfortunately, the neuro-psych eval does not involve a brain scan. If anyone knows of a legitimate place that does those can you please let me know? I've heard of Dr. Amen, but I'm not sure.
I'm just determined to try and build the next chapter of my life, whether alone or not. I want to thrive. I'm so tired of just getting by and thinking I have to go through the rest of my life alone and undesired.
I don't know if I was born this way, or if I learned this thinking, but if I was conditioned to become this way, I want to emphasize that it is very important when you're a parent to mirror your children and their beauty and curiosity and their laughter, and acknowledge their gifts and talents, and acknowledge their basic needs as valid and important.
I did that when I got bold enough to have my own child at 39. I gave him everything I didn't get which as it turns out was the right recipe for raising a healthy child. Go figure! All I had to do was the exact opposite of what was done to me, as well as what was NOT done for me, and keep on working on healing myself and admit my frailities to my son as we went. I was a single mother his whole life. Oddly, we have a good relationship that allows us to talk about the fallout of the abuse he experienced, dreadfully, because of the father I chose for him.
I augmented my son's education his whole life, because I was told he was on the autism spectrum. He, like you said, would miss nuances in conversations and have to learn and relearn his alphabet when little, seem to become more present when touching different textures and surfaces. He didn't prefer eye contact, and he used very little words to express himself as a toddler. I helped him to identify facial expressions and helped him to identify his feelings as they arose. School was grueling for him, so augmenting his life with his love of sports really helped to gain confidence where he lacked it in other areas. The challenge for me became to convince him that he was smart, but that he had an individual brain equipped with an individual style of learning. He's also grappled with adult relationships, and, as such, has found his way into CODA, and is working it. I'm so very proud of his ability to face what he needs to change in order to have the life he wants. And NOW because of your article I can share with him that he may not be all the artistic spectrum at all, but well, on his way to healing himself, from any traumas, he experienced while in his father's custody. I fought for 3 straight years in court to impose limitations on his father's reckless behavior. They were numerous because his father had also grown up with traumas, but took the stance of not needing to do anything about them. So we all come by our traumas, innocently, enough, but if I can say anything to anyone who has experienced traumas, there is help available, and please do take it, as your lives, and the lives of those you love are worth it. The cycle of abuse is a real thing, and it cannot be stopped until it is, at the very least, acknowledged.
Thank you very much for this article. You opened up a new window of hope for me, and, indirectly, from my son as well.
I'm wishing you all the best that life has to offer! Love yourselves as best as you can and be kind and patient as well, even if no one else seems to be doing so, and know that they actually might be doing so without your recognizing it. ❤️
Thanks so much for sharing!!🫶❤️