This post brought me to tears. My label was bitchy. It started in middle school and still follows me today. But you words:
There are times when we must speak, not because you are going to change the other person, but because if you don’t speak, they have changed you.”
stopped me in my tracks. I go through cycles of saying I will not speak up and then when I do and it makes no difference I beat myself up. Those words you wrote set me free. I am speaking up for my own mental health and belief in my own worth. Big sigh and weight lifted. Thank you!
Thanks so much for these kind words, Carol! Also, I wanted to point out that quote is from Cleo Wade. Her book "Where to begin." It is a delight! Everything you said about knowing when to speak up makes sense! Thanks for sharing... To more big sighs and weights lifted...✨
I am sensing that shame is deep in my soul and leaves me with a frozen feeling that it’s true I have nothing to offer and am worthless, do anything and be anything others need you to be to find love. There is an immense ocean of loneliness, anxiety and tears behind this and it all needs tender patient care and attention again and again, a deep calming.
I can't help but wonder, Simon, what you will experience when that shame thaws and the frozen feeling lessens. A huge yes to the tender care you mention... That is where, in my experience, shame gets louder for a bit, then starts to fade... Thanks so much for what you've shared... 🫶🏻
As a girl growing up in a restrictive, patriarchal Plain-dressing community with systemic and generational CSA, with more years of abuse in my 21 years than not, shame was woven into our bones. We knew the stories. And from those generations of abuse and children of incest, we knew the expectation that you were expected to stay silent. And with the silence comes misplaced blame.
Even now, you can’t talk about it, even if someone happens to be charged, without someone telling you to stop because: Think of his mother. Think about the children.
No one thinks of the victim. And I use victim, because you’re not allowed to be one-ever. You may only speak and label yourself a survivor. That way crime and responsibility is thwarted and the shame is placed fully on the victim’s shoulders.
Thank you for using your voice here today. Your words have a realistic punch that those who've constantly had their reality denied know well. I wanted to share this quote of mine I posted a couple years ago. I am fully in line with what you're saying regarding the word victim.
"You don’t go from victim to survivor. Being a victim of trauma is being a victim. Surviving it is being a survivor. They exist together. Our culture names victims as victim mentality, while the only way you’re heard is to call yourself a survivor. No one would ever choose either."
That last sentence? 🔥 Thank you for sharing the quote! The last sentence is the crux of what is always missing in the victim/survivor discussion! I’m so thankful you’re here💛
I read this while wearing my boyfriend’s noise cancelling headphones on the bus for the very first time. It felt very fitting. Shame cancelling headphones. 👏🏻
Shame has been the great leveler in my life. Like a bulldozer that is grading a property, shame has sought to align me with a family system that was not made for me, nor was it influenced by my introduction into the family to amend its ways to welcome and create safety.
You talk about the pilot announcing their flight path & the jarring way that hijacks your nervous system. In my life, shame has had that megaphone. Blaring out how unacceptable & ashamed I was.
It is in catching hold of that megaphone, putting it safely away & listening to the still small voice within me which is my voice that I begin to quiet down & find a different message.
A message of hope. Of peace. And a gentle leading towards safety & home.
Your voice resonates with the clarity and strength earned only when the very kindest souls survive unimaginable things. Thank you for sharing it with us. Sending you good vibes from another member of team AirPods and sunglasses on flights!
Do you live in a country where people commit government-approved murder and gaslight the nation and where this system tacitly approves of rape and malignant narcissism?
Because I experienced most of this as a child and I have no escape from my government doing this. And it's only getting worse with surveillance culture.
I know my diagnoses. I took DBT at 34 years old and I finally was able to know what my emotions actually were. I had trauma therapists for 3 years; they, consecutively, left the profession and I felt extremely abandoned. I practice my skills and modify them to fit each day.
It does not change how often I am depersonalized or certainly triggered, though I am hoping my most recent practice (stopping social media usage before bed) will help.
I'm tired of adjusting. I don't look at news media; I look at things that interest me. But my president inserts himself *everywhere*, and I see articles about his influence in areas where in prior years would have been safe escapes and enjoyments.
I feel like I'm back home, and that the only difference (which is big) is that I don't have people around me who project their stuff onto me.
Brian, boy do I get what you expressed here. It's how I've been feeling since trump came into politics and has only gotten more intense as time has dragged on. I'm grateful you put into words what I could not. But am so sorry you are in that place too. The thing that has helped me the most is exactly what you said--I stay involved enough in current events to protest, call, email and boycott (most days)
But spend the majority of my time doing my shame/abuse work and choosing things to do that bring me joy and peace and solace as much as possible.
It works some of the time! Which I'm grateful for 🙏
Shame loses its sting, when you confess it to another person and they say "mine too". That was written by,Tamara Arden, approximately. We all resonate with you. Maybe that creates a field where shame simply crumbles to dust.
You really have the gift to articulate so much of what I myself have experienced. I can't begin to tell you how much this article resonates with me. Thank you. Healing happens together. :)
The part about the inner critic being born to protect you, not punish you, is the reframe that changes how the work feels. Not silencing it but knowing it. Understanding why it believes what it does.
The moody label landing on someone whose nervous system was doing exactly what it needed to do in an environment that wasn’t safe — I have watched that pattern show up in so many bodies over the years. The body was never the problem. The body was the only honest thing in the room.
"When we are in toxic environments (homes, jobs, families, or communities), we find a way to neutralize their impact so we can survive it."
I don't. I wish I could. It feels impossible due to the country I live in. I do not look at the media at all and yet the hell is so pervasive that it comes in everywhere.
I need to use social media to promote my creations. That invariably involves inadvertently seeing things that feel like assaults to my nervous system.
This post brought me to tears. My label was bitchy. It started in middle school and still follows me today. But you words:
There are times when we must speak, not because you are going to change the other person, but because if you don’t speak, they have changed you.”
stopped me in my tracks. I go through cycles of saying I will not speak up and then when I do and it makes no difference I beat myself up. Those words you wrote set me free. I am speaking up for my own mental health and belief in my own worth. Big sigh and weight lifted. Thank you!
I’m glad you’re here Nate.
Thanks so much for these kind words, Carol! Also, I wanted to point out that quote is from Cleo Wade. Her book "Where to begin." It is a delight! Everything you said about knowing when to speak up makes sense! Thanks for sharing... To more big sighs and weights lifted...✨
That line stopped me too.
Thanks Nate! Now I’m off to find that book!
I am sensing that shame is deep in my soul and leaves me with a frozen feeling that it’s true I have nothing to offer and am worthless, do anything and be anything others need you to be to find love. There is an immense ocean of loneliness, anxiety and tears behind this and it all needs tender patient care and attention again and again, a deep calming.
I can't help but wonder, Simon, what you will experience when that shame thaws and the frozen feeling lessens. A huge yes to the tender care you mention... That is where, in my experience, shame gets louder for a bit, then starts to fade... Thanks so much for what you've shared... 🫶🏻
Thank you, Nate, and thank you for all that you do and write and for creating this wonderful space. 😀
As a girl growing up in a restrictive, patriarchal Plain-dressing community with systemic and generational CSA, with more years of abuse in my 21 years than not, shame was woven into our bones. We knew the stories. And from those generations of abuse and children of incest, we knew the expectation that you were expected to stay silent. And with the silence comes misplaced blame.
Even now, you can’t talk about it, even if someone happens to be charged, without someone telling you to stop because: Think of his mother. Think about the children.
No one thinks of the victim. And I use victim, because you’re not allowed to be one-ever. You may only speak and label yourself a survivor. That way crime and responsibility is thwarted and the shame is placed fully on the victim’s shoulders.
Thank you for using your voice here today. Your words have a realistic punch that those who've constantly had their reality denied know well. I wanted to share this quote of mine I posted a couple years ago. I am fully in line with what you're saying regarding the word victim.
"You don’t go from victim to survivor. Being a victim of trauma is being a victim. Surviving it is being a survivor. They exist together. Our culture names victims as victim mentality, while the only way you’re heard is to call yourself a survivor. No one would ever choose either."
That last sentence? 🔥 Thank you for sharing the quote! The last sentence is the crux of what is always missing in the victim/survivor discussion! I’m so thankful you’re here💛
I read this while wearing my boyfriend’s noise cancelling headphones on the bus for the very first time. It felt very fitting. Shame cancelling headphones. 👏🏻
Aren't they remarkable??? 🎧
I haven’t known what I i’ve been missing!! Now to save for my own…😂
I am glad I am here.
🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻
Nate, it is a pleasure to follow your journey. Your words help me heal and I am so grateful for your writings. Thank YOU!
It's a pleasure to have you here! 🫶🏻
Shame has been the great leveler in my life. Like a bulldozer that is grading a property, shame has sought to align me with a family system that was not made for me, nor was it influenced by my introduction into the family to amend its ways to welcome and create safety.
You talk about the pilot announcing their flight path & the jarring way that hijacks your nervous system. In my life, shame has had that megaphone. Blaring out how unacceptable & ashamed I was.
It is in catching hold of that megaphone, putting it safely away & listening to the still small voice within me which is my voice that I begin to quiet down & find a different message.
A message of hope. Of peace. And a gentle leading towards safety & home.
So glad you're here, Amuart! 🫶🏻
Thank you, Nate.
Your voice resonates with the clarity and strength earned only when the very kindest souls survive unimaginable things. Thank you for sharing it with us. Sending you good vibes from another member of team AirPods and sunglasses on flights!
"Team AirPods and sunglasses on flights. " I LOVE it! 😍
So grateful for finding you.
What a lovely thing for me to read, Holly! 🫶🏻
Do you live in a country where people commit government-approved murder and gaslight the nation and where this system tacitly approves of rape and malignant narcissism?
Because I experienced most of this as a child and I have no escape from my government doing this. And it's only getting worse with surveillance culture.
I know my diagnoses. I took DBT at 34 years old and I finally was able to know what my emotions actually were. I had trauma therapists for 3 years; they, consecutively, left the profession and I felt extremely abandoned. I practice my skills and modify them to fit each day.
It does not change how often I am depersonalized or certainly triggered, though I am hoping my most recent practice (stopping social media usage before bed) will help.
I'm tired of adjusting. I don't look at news media; I look at things that interest me. But my president inserts himself *everywhere*, and I see articles about his influence in areas where in prior years would have been safe escapes and enjoyments.
I feel like I'm back home, and that the only difference (which is big) is that I don't have people around me who project their stuff onto me.
Brian, boy do I get what you expressed here. It's how I've been feeling since trump came into politics and has only gotten more intense as time has dragged on. I'm grateful you put into words what I could not. But am so sorry you are in that place too. The thing that has helped me the most is exactly what you said--I stay involved enough in current events to protest, call, email and boycott (most days)
But spend the majority of my time doing my shame/abuse work and choosing things to do that bring me joy and peace and solace as much as possible.
It works some of the time! Which I'm grateful for 🙏
Take care of yourself, you're not alone.
Thank you :) I'm glad I was able to help you put a voice to this.
Shame loses its sting, when you confess it to another person and they say "mine too". That was written by,Tamara Arden, approximately. We all resonate with you. Maybe that creates a field where shame simply crumbles to dust.
Nate❤️🫂🫶
You really have the gift to articulate so much of what I myself have experienced. I can't begin to tell you how much this article resonates with me. Thank you. Healing happens together. :)
The part about the inner critic being born to protect you, not punish you, is the reframe that changes how the work feels. Not silencing it but knowing it. Understanding why it believes what it does.
The moody label landing on someone whose nervous system was doing exactly what it needed to do in an environment that wasn’t safe — I have watched that pattern show up in so many bodies over the years. The body was never the problem. The body was the only honest thing in the room.
"When we are in toxic environments (homes, jobs, families, or communities), we find a way to neutralize their impact so we can survive it."
I don't. I wish I could. It feels impossible due to the country I live in. I do not look at the media at all and yet the hell is so pervasive that it comes in everywhere.
I need to use social media to promote my creations. That invariably involves inadvertently seeing things that feel like assaults to my nervous system.